I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
