just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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