I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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