Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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