I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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