I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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