i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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