The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
