why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
