The maid of honor just puked.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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