I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
