Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
