Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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