someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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