i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
