Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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