I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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