HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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