how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
