The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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