Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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