Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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