Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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