I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
