Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't deserve a penis
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
