it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
