My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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