wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
