I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
