By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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