i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
