thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
