We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
