Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Randomize
