why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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