I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
