woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
