I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
