i already hear my dad disowning me
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
