she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
