My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this just has baby written all over it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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