you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Vodka?
Forever.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
