why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
NoShamevember. You game?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
did you just send me my own nude
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
