You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
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