you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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