omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
