Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Randomize
