I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
