Hey man sorry I got all grabby
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
