Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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