I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
